Relationships have always been, and still are, quite mysterious to me. I think most people could say that. But why? As a culture, we have cultivated advice, wisdom, aphorisms, and little common-sense sayings as shorthand for engaging in these mysterious realities, and yet most people still feel completely helpless when it comes to actually building, understanding, or maintaining them.

The mystery of relationships comes down to two things: (1) the differences among people, and (2) the differences between different kinds of relationships.

And, of course, these two variables intersect. Relating to someone (to use trait psychology) with high neuroticism vs. someone with low neuroticism is a different experience. Same for relating to someone with high aggression vs. low aggression. Now add roles to the equation. You have a boss with high neuroticism / low aggression and a spouse with low neuroticism / high aggression. Now flip the script — a boss with low neuroticism / high aggression and a spouse with high neuroticism / low aggression. Or high / high, low /low; or low / low, high /high.

All of these possibilities of difference arise from intersecting only two traits with two roles. There are in Big 5 Trait Psychology actually ten traits (high / low for each trait is a different sub-trait), and each of these switches could be flipped in one direction or another; and the average person relates to people in 15 different roles in their life every single day. Now add childhood background, cultural differences, preferences, and whether someone is having a good day or a bad day. Now extend all of these variables across time.

Now it makes sense why relationships are complicated. The world and people are complicated. While I know I won’t develop a full taxonomy that can automate these things … well, I think that is my goal, actually. Yes. That’s my goal. I want to figure this stuff out. That’s what this topical space called “Relationships” is for.